How to Stay in Favor with Every God Just in Case

As soon as possible, dunk your head in water while saying a prayer to apologize for being born, and if anyone you know dies, you need to do it on their behalf too. This is best accomplished in the Ganges. Always don your sacred undergarments, but don’t talk about them or let anyone see them. You must go naked and own nothing but a peacock feather broom and a water gourd. You must cover everything but your eyes. Kill anyone who curseth his mother or father. Kill the gays. Kill the adulterers. Kill psychics, wizards, and so on. Kill blasphemers, and kill off every city that worships a different God. No killing. No sex with a woman on her period. No facing Mecca while on the toilet. No coffee. No red meat on Fridays. Cheeseburgers are bad, placentas are good. If you have a flat nose, you cannot go to Church. Cut off your wife’s hand if she seizes your opponent’s genitals in combat. This is preferably done without pity. If you slip up, or even if you don’t, displace your sins onto a chicken by grasping it by the shoulders and swinging it over your head three times – just in case.

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